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Mr. T: Mr. T's commandments

09/02/12 || revenant

Hey, you with the teeth… I know what you’re thinking. What’s this crazy fool Revenant reviewing today? A hip hop record? Well listen up sucka, this ain’t just any hip hop record, this is Mr. T. That’s first name Mr, middle name ‘period’, last name T! Now you can go an complain all you want to the forums, you think I care fool? I ain’t interested in reading no jibba jabba, so don’t make me mad. Just sit back, read or don’t read.

Ok, that’s enough of the quoting. Mr. T. Holy shit. Where to begin in what is, without a doubt, the funniest unintentional comedy album ever recorded?

Mr. T, popular 80s icon, at some point realized he was a role model. I guess somewhere along the line in his role model way, Mr. T looked around the world and said “what is going on here? Bad influences everywhere, kids doing stupid things, someone’s gotta change this”. And who, better than himself, could restore the balance, start teaching kids the correct way to behave? And what better way is there to get through to kids than through music? Right? Right?

Oh man.

So Mr. T get’s on his preaching hat, telling kids to stay in school, do their homework, not talk to strangers and so forth (and he says it himself, it’s ok to be a square and a mumma’s boy! It’s true, you wouldn’t question Mr. T, would you?), but to hear these lessons put to music in T’s flat, monotone rapping and soul choruses turn this from being a serious lesson to something that’s shit your pants funny. Then throw in every ridiculous 80’s music cliché, from hand claps to cheesy synths to turntables, and you just can’t help but think “this was intentional joke, yeah?”

Alas not. And that’s what makes this the funniest unintentional comedy album ever recorded. Mr. T’s rapping is terrible. Not even Ice T’s direction (yes, he was involved with this) could help this gain musical merit. I said above monotone, and that’s being kind. His voice has two settings: angry, and more angry. Yet somehow Mr. T comes out shining. His vocals fall into that “it’s so bad it’s good” category, especially when he breaks out into his more brilliant lines such as “If you break the rules, God help you, fool, you got Mr. T to fear!”.

This is both one of the best and one of the worst albums every recorded. It’s just so tragically bad, but at the same time so damn good. And still you’re wondering why cover this here on Global Domination? “Lulu”. Yes there’s a point to all this. When I first heard “Pumping Blood” I burst out laughing. Seriously. Lou’s vocals are just… embarrassing. Tuneless. Out of time with the music. So I have to wonder, in 28-odd years time, will “Lulu” be seen for it’s unintentional comedic value that is “Mr. T’s Commandments”? Will Lou’s inane rambling about cutting off tits and James’ declaration that he is the table been seen in the same way’s Mr. T’s don’t do drugs it’s ok to be a square lyrics are seen now? Food for thought. Or not. Fuck you.

All I know is this is bad, and brilliant. I pity the fool who doesn’t enjoy it.

Information
Released: 1984
Label: Columbia
Website: Mr. T’s Commandments MySpace
Band
Mr. T: vocals
Paul Jackson Jr: guitars
John Van Tongeren: guitars, keyboards, linn drums
Patrick Henderson: keyboards
Afrika Islam: turntables

Tracklist
01. Mr. T’s Commandment
02. Don’t Talk to Strangers
03. The Toughest Man in the World
04. Mr. T, Mr. T (He Was Made for Love)
05. The One and Only Mr. T
06. No Dope No Drugs
07. You Got to Go Through It

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